Blog

When a client shares his or her thoughts… those deep mind boggling questions… in a raw and authentic way, something in me stirs. When this person trusts me with the things they wonder about in the silent moments, it opens up a channel. A channel allowing the two of us to start wondering together, focused on navigating a way through this reality we live in.

Today I was extremely lucky to experience exactly this.

Today I saw part of the person sitting in front of me come alive.

I saw how for the first time they openly shared very personal existential queries.

What is life?

Why are we here? 

Are we the culmination of years upon years of evolution? If you read the script, and the costume fits, do you just go along with the ride?

Why do we seek to make others happy? To fill a void inside us? For validation?

What drives us to create? A need to be seen, or remembered?

Am I the person people see when they look at me? Or am I the person behind the veil I keep up?

Could it be both?

And even though these questions might seem to have a melancholy tone, it brought about something very different. Instead of becoming more despondent because of the almost gloomy topic of conversation, the chance to share controversial thoughts and personal responses brought about a sense of relief for this client. It brought the realization that he is not strange or even depressed for asking such challenging questions, but that he has now officially embarked on a deep journey of self-discovery. A journey that can allow him to become more and more alive.

Being able to share core beliefs and opinions without feeling judged for it, is at the heart of therapy. And today it was a profound privilege to see how unapologetically sharing one’s core can bring deep liberation.

I am excited to be a guide on this individual’s journey.

 

Eye contact is way more intimate than words will ever be. – Faraaz Kazi

There is an interesting YouTube video showing an experiment done by Soul Pancake. In this video they asked various pairs of people to look into each other’s eyes for the duration of 4 minutes. The video demonstrates how looking into another’s eyes, uninterruptedly, and with no distraction, facilitates instant connection.

When watching the video, one can see that the pairs go through phases:

1. At first they are incredibly uncomfortable, they feel awkward and their body language are very guarded.

2. Then they start settling down – it is as if they let go a little. And they physically start to open up. Their body language become gentler, and they are visibly more at ease.

3. And then as the four minutes slowly come to an end, they clearly fall into a deep connection. Some of the pairs even move closer, they become tactile and they willingly enter each other’s space.

When watching the video, it is apparent that looking into each other’s eyes like that, hold the potential to activate connection.

***

Have you ever tried it before?

I want to encourage you to do so, as it can initiate a bond between you and the person you share that space with. A deep bond.

***

This process ultimately awakens a closeness which already exists between us, but which under normal circumstances we fail to be aware of. Unfortunately, we not give each other the time of day to really, deeply look at each other, we merely rush past to the next superficial thing that demands our attention. We might even be going out, looking for pseudo important things to be busy with, as an excuse to not look into the other’s eyes. Or to not allow someone to see the truth in ours.

Yes, our eyes deeply speak our truth. At any given moment our eyes show whether we are happy, whether we are sad, whether we are angry. It shows whether we feel insecure or genuinely confident, whether we are hurt or deeply touched. It even shows whether we are lying or telling the truth. Our eyes are seen as windows into our souls. Our eyes shine light onto the space where we very carefully store our secrets, or our insecurities, our dreams and even our pasts. And yes it is scary to share that with others if you don’t even have the courage to face all of it yourself.

However, if we refrain from really looking into another’s eyes, we also miss out on the significance it brings. As when we look into another’s eyes, but really look into their eyes, we tend to see a new side of that person. We tend to see their humanness, their vulnerability, their insecurities, their hurt. We also see their strengths, their heart and their true intentions. By the nature of this realization we feel closer to them, we feel we know them better, we see where they are coming from and we stop judging them as harshly. And as a result we gain the courage to look at the things we have been hiding for so long, as now we do not feel we are dealing with them alone anymore.

In other words, this process can transform the initial fear of not wanting to share our secrets, or not wanting to see someone else’s hurt, into deep and authentic connection. And in the event that both people candidly engages in this connection, it may even allow for both people’s insecurities and hurt to be converted, or even their strengths and intentions to become alive.

So next time when you engage with someone, when you walk past a work colleague, or you tell a family member about your day, truly look into their eyes.

Maybe even engage in the 4 minute experiment yourself – be open to connection.

We most probably all heard Mahatma Ghandi’s words:

“Your beliefs become your thoughts

Your thoughts become your words

Your words become your actions

Your actions become your habits

Your habits become your values

Your values become your destiny”.

Imagine the following:

An enthusiastic Grade 1 girl, with a bright smile and special energy. Let’s call her Amy. She had a great day at school and she is extremely delighted about the new song she learnt during choir practice. She can’t contain her excitement, and she is bursting to sing to her mom once she is back from work.

However, Amy’s mom (a very clever woman with a great heart) who loves her daughter dearly, had a horrendous day at the office. She comes home deeply tired, drained emotionally and fighting a throbbing headache. All of which the little girl was obviously unaware. Therefore as she arrived home, Amy started singing her new song, jumping happily up and down. She did so loud and proud, authentically expressing her joy.

Undeniably, Amy’s singing made her mother’s headache even worse, and at a certain moment, she just lost control. She looked at her daughter angrily, and said in no uncertain terms, “Shut up! You have an ugly voice. Can you just shut up!”

I know, I want to cringe too, as those words were so hurtful. Although so unintentional. The truth behind all of this is that the mother’s tolerance for any noise in that moment was nonexistent; it was not that the girl’s voice was ugly. Her mom didn’t mean it, she was just entirely overwhelmed. But yes, how was Amy supposed to know that.

So understandably she immediately believed what her mother said. And as a consequence she decided to quit the choir. She believed her voice was ugly and that she would bother anyone who heard it. She eventually became shyer and shyer at school, and if she was asked to sing, she refused. Even speaking to others became difficult for her. Everything changed in her, there was a shift in the beautiful little girl, all because of the belief she derived after the unconscious words of another.

Sounds familiar? Something similar happened to you?

In the case that it did, the belief you derived because of such an event or even events, probably impacts you till this day.

Once verbal insults are programmed into our subconscious mind, they are interpreted as “truths” that unconsciously shape our behaviour and potential.

If something similar happened, most probably your self-confidence was effected, your social assertiveness in all likelihood decreased, and consequently your self-image followed suit.

Bruce Lipton, writer of the book The Biology of Belief, shares the immensity of the truth behind “We are what we think”, even on a biological level.

If our beliefs are limiting, our experience of life reflects the like.

And if our beliefs are expansive, our experience of life also reflects the like.

As a psychologist it is my observation that the personal beliefs we hold in our hearts, restrict us more than we want to acknowledge. At times we are not even aware of the negative beliefs we hold about ourselves. And in the few cases we bravely identify and face them, we do not always have effective ways to replace those limiting beliefs with expansive ones.

Imagine if Amy who, as a grown woman, overlooks her inherent value and significance because of a lifetime of limiting beliefs, can get the chance to once again be the vibrant, enthusiastic and talented woman she always was but never allowed to truly live.

Exploring your own limiting beliefs in therapy can be the start of becoming your true self again. It can ignite the process of once again being the eager, wholehearted person who enjoys life, engages in healthy relationships, who believes in his or her abilities and who takes the world by storm.

Give yourself the chance to shine – identify and replace your own limiting beliefs.

Story adapted from:

Ruiz, Don Miguel. The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom (A Toltec Wisdom Book) (pp. 34-35). Amber-Allen Publishing. Kindle Edition.

Helpful sources:

Lipton, Bruce. The Biology of Belief. (pp. 174-174). Hay House Inc. Kindle Edition

I do not keep a box of tissues in my therapy room.

I know, I know – it can be regarded as quite weird that in a psychologist’s office there is no tissue to be seen. I mean, it is a place where the entire range of emotions are shared, especially tears, and then I tell my clients there is no tissue to wipe them away.

Well, that is exactly it.

As soon as sadness comes to the surface, we want to wipe it away. As soon as any uncomfortable emotion emerges we habitually react by pushing it back. And reaching for a tissue as soon as we begin to cry, just conditions us to believe that crying should be stopped.

By wiping our tears as soon as they arise, we unconsciously tell ourselves that we are not allowed to cry. We treat crying as if it is something detrimental to our health, whilst its actually the other way around. Not crying is harmful to our mental and emotional wellbeing.

Nancy Kline writes in her book Time To Think, that “our society is terrified of tears. We have mixed up the release of pain with the cause of pain. Stop crying and you’ll stop hurting. Stop showing your anger and you’ll stop being angry. Stop shaking and you’ll stop being afraid. Just stop it. It doesn’t work. It never has. And not only does it not work – that is, stopping the release does not stop the pain (the pain just ‘goes underground’ and causes all sorts of neuroses and probably physical disease) – but, most important, repression of feeling represses clear thinking. It muddles the mind.”

And it is exactly clear thinking that needs to happen when we are in turmoil or when we are hurt. True thinking is what helps us to become unstuck. Our coherent thoughts open up the space into knowing how we can go forward. But as Nancy right fully says “thinking stops when we are upset.”

Luckily, we can restart our thinking process when we express our feelings just enough. And I agree with Nancy that “unfortunately, we have got this backwards in our society. We think that when feelings start, thinking stops. And so when crying starts, for example, we stop it. When we do this, we interfere with exactly the thing that helps a person to think clearly again.” And reaching for tissues exacerbates our backwards understanding of crying and releasing emotions.

So yes, in my therapy room you unfortunately won’t find a tissue to wipe your tears. However your will find a space for emotional release, and ultimately the space to find a way forward.

“The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it…”  ― Nicholas Sparks, At First Sight

Kline, N. (2015). Time to Think: Listening to Ignite the Human Mind. p 74-75.

 

PREVENTION RATHER THAN MERE CURE – this is how I see an educational psychologist’s contribution.

 An educational psychologist works proactively, as opposed to only reactively. They cultivate the ground in an individual’s life for a positive lifestyle to take root, instead of only eradicating negative patterns, comparable to weeds stifling healthy growth and authentic living.

Why is a proactive approach more valuable?

Well, since a reactive approach indicates that a problem already exists, whilst a proactive approach prevents the problem from occurring in the first place.

Reactivity is not ineffective, as finding a solution will always be possible. However, when engaging in a proactive manner, a lot of suffering can be bypassed altogether.

On a physical level, proactivity versus reactivity can be compared to proactively taking vitamins to prevent a cold, as opposed to going to the doctor and drinking antibiotics in reaction to flu.  The vitamin option enables a continuous strong body, whilst the antibiotics alternative requires off days to regain strength.

On an emotional level, when using the same analogy, it would mean proactively taking emotional supplements (preventative therapy) to enable positive relationships, enhance personal wellbeing and significant experience of life.

As opposed to reactively drinking emotional antibiotics (curative therapy) to rectify already broken bonds, eliminating habitual unhealthy lifestyles and liberating deeply entrenched fearful living.

Do not wait until a small cough becomes a full-blown cold. When your throat starts to itch, immediately drink vitamin C. In like manner, do not wait until a small emotional challenge becomes a full-blown psychological issue.

With all of this being said, it is important to keep in mind that antibiotics STILL serve as a cure for flu, and comparably, educational psychologists STILL guide solutions to already evident emotional problems.

However, the point remains – vitamins hold the potential to result in flu-free, energetic days, and similarly, consulting with an educational psychologist most probably will result as precaution to emotional turmoil.

Therefore the following advice:

It is better to visit the gym regularly than to make an appointment with the cardiologist.

So rather stay emotionally fit than getting an emotional heart attack.

“When driving on the highway, all the way to the Kruger National Park, you will pass numerous trees along your way. Since they get water from the rain, heat from the sun, and nutrients from the ground, these trees grow every day.

No human being tends to these trees specifically, and still they grow, right? 

Now when these trees, those found along the highway, are compared to the trees in my garden, a very apparent difference is noted.  The ones in my garden are greener, they are bigger… Man, they even grow quicker. All this for the mere reason that they receive something additional to the water from the rain, the heat from the sun and the nutrients from the ground. The trees in my garden get something extra called compost. And this compost gives these trees a boost.

The point is, the trees next to the highway grows fine, however the trees in my garden grows tremendously.“

A very wise woman once shared this profound analogy about the value of seeing a psychologist. And doesn’t it resonate with such truth?

Without attending to the tree, its full potential cannot be reached, and without attending to our emotional growth and wellbeing our full potential cannot be fulfilled.

It is the difference between surviving and thriving.

Surviving means that we feel we live only a half lived life – that we feel things we cannot explain, that we experience things we cannot deal with, that we behave in ways we do not understand.

Thriving means that we are authentically joyful in our life – knowing how to verbalize what we are feeling, having the skills to handle whatever comes our way, managing our actions towards others and our world.

Going to a psychologist in attendance to your emotional wellbeing means to get to know your own heart. Knowing your own heart allows you to navigate easier in this sometimes confusing world. Knowing your heart gives you a glimpse into why you feel what you feel, why you think what your think and then ultimately why you do what you do. It allows you to respond responsibly to your environment since you are now able to know yourself and others better.

For a moment I invite you to ponder the following words:

To keep our minds fit, we read.
To keep or bodies fit, we exercise.
But what do we do to keep our hearts fit?
Going to a psychologist to train your heart, is like going to school to train your mind, or to the gym to train your body.

Stay emotionally fit by giving your heart the chance to develop.